Category Archives: Satire, Humor, and Dementia

Satire, humor, assorted political dementia, and anything else that only exists because I can’t answer the question “Why not?” when I thought it up.

The Democrat Double Team of Doom

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Isn’t it helpful of the Democrats to tell us who scares them most.  This Huntsman guy must be a real terror.  And to think we wouldn’t have known without them.

Well, it’s only fitting we return the favor.

So I’m going to confess it now.  There’s a Democrat double-team I’ve been fearing for a long time.  It causes me to break out in sweats in the middle of the night.  Terror overwhelms me as I think that in 2012, they might have the brains to primary the Obama albatross around their necks and nominate the most unstoppable duo of Democrat doom this world has ever seen.

Bert and Ernie.

Bert at the head of the ticket would have the momentum of a freight train. He’s forceful and motivated, and with that unibrow to distract from his untenable socialist positions, we would become a socialist hell on Earth before we even knew it. The mere threat of his teleprompter-free laugh would leave the normally skittish Republicans publicly craven in his presence.

But it gets worse.  Paired with Vice President Ernie, the seemingly affable orange velvet glove, and Bert would be overwhelming.  While Ernie smooths over the hard legislative pushes, Bert’s iron fist would do the work of getting the agenda through Congress.  Together, they would be a socialist steamroller.

And the worst part?  Both of them are members of the smallest minority running for office in this country today:  puppets.  Likely, they’d be the only two.  The historical factor of puppets running for office would garner the youth vote in droves.  Furthermore, if you don’t like Bert and Ernie’s policies?  You’re racist against orange and yellow felt people.  It would be a race and history card duo Obama could never hope to match.

Be assured, my penetrating analysis here is just as likely as Obama quaking in his boots with anything other than laughter at a Huntsman candidacy.   Especially if Huntsman is hiring former McCain staffers.  Consider it a favor returned, Democrats.  Run Obama, Hillary, or even Joe Biden, but I beg you.  Don’t nominate Bert and Ernie.  My poor heart couldn’t take it.

What Schumer Needs Is a Full Metal Boot Camp

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As Chuck Schumer found out today, discussing messaging tactics on an open phone line doesn’t do wonders for your credibility.  You’re not supposed to mention that “extremist” is the caucus word of the week in public.  It might give the impression that you’re not sincere when you’re voicing objections to Republican initiatives.

Still, can’t very well let the minions go into public without giving them the drill.  Everyone needs to be on the same page so they can intone the “extremist” accusations in unison and sound sincere.  So what Schumer needs is his very own full metal boot camp sans operating speakerphones or mics.  Something along the lines of this one (definitely not safe for work link) where he can harden Democrats who might consider rational thought and genuine problem-solving into soundbite-spewing automatons…

“Private Winkleheimer!  I am Seargeant Schumer, and I own you for the next 20 minutes!”

“Sir, yes sir!”

“When I say something to you, the correct answer is “Sir, you’re an extremist sexist bigot homophobic Republican conservative Tea Party teabagger sir!  Do you understand me Private Winkleheimer?!”

“Sir, yes sir!”

“WHAT WAS THAT?!”

“Sir, you’re an extremist sexist bigot homophobic Republican conservative Tea Party teabagger, sir!”

“I want to cut the budget!”

“Sir, you’re an extremist sexist begotten homonym Republican conservatory, uh, tea bagging Tea Party, sir!”

“WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, WINKLEHEIMER?!  CAN YOU NOT HANDLE 29 MEASLY SYLLABLES?!”

“Sir, yes sir!”

“You can’t even remember the right answer, Winkleheimer!  Do you think you’re even Democrat enough to call me an extremist?!  DO YOU?”

“Sir, yes sir!”

“Then say it, you Bush-loving pansy!”

“Sir, you’re an extremist sir!”

It would do wonders for the messaging and have all of Schumer’s people whipped into shape in no time.

It Must Be Stupid Remarks Day: Ludicrous News 3/22/2011

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Welcome to another happy edition of Ludicrous News.  It’s news that would be so much funnier if the people making it weren’t in power.

1.)  Capitalism ended life on Mars:  This little gem is brought to you by Hugo Chavez, a man who could manage energy shortages in an oil exporting country.  The entire quote is at Michelle Malkin’s blog through the link, and Al Gore must have sent him something from his personal stash for him to make a remark like this. 

Being green has never been more Martian.

2.)  Republican budget cuts are going to increase the price of gas:  This latest attack line is brought to you by the Senate Democrats, including Cowboy Poet himself, Harry Reid.  By their reasoning, Republican plans to cut funding for Commodity Futures Trading Commission are going to make those prices spike.  Unlike now, where regular unleaded is now running $3.45 or so where I live as of this post.

Of course, gas price spikes wouldn’t have anything to do with Middle East unrest, the unofficial drilling permit moritorium in the Gulf, the law of supply and demand, or that the fact the environmental nutballs keep blocking all attempts to make our own energy.  No, that one little commission is going to kill us all at the pump all by its lonesome.  Figuratively speaking.

3.)  Sarah Palin is an evil plot to keep NOW from defending women’s rights:  Last but not least is a fun conspiracy theory from NOW.  Apparently, our attempts to get them to defend Sarah Palin from sexist slurs are to attempts to use the hypocricy accusation to tie them in knots so they can’t promote womens’ issues and defend womens’ rights.

It’s the basic liberal counterattack theory.  When pressed on a weakness/gaffe/scandal, go on the offense.  This response is a variation on that theme, but it’s still stupid.

And so ends another edition of Ludicrous News.  Join me here next time when I hope the next edition isn’t about someone who can cause real trouble.

The Elmo Ultimatum

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Today’s latest jewel of political dementia comes from Barbara Boxer.  In her opinion, the Republicans want to stop funding PBS because they have a “vendetta against Elmo” or something.  At least we can’t fault her originality.

It’s not that PBS is an anachronism in a day where hundreds of television channels exist on cable.  It’s not that Sesame Street couldn’t be profitable if run by, say, a competent group like Nickelodeon or Disney.  It’s not that we’re pulling $1.5 Trillion deficits and can’t afford frills anymore.  No, it’s just that Republicans want to put out a hit on a fuzzy red muppet because they can.

Since she’s not going to listen to reason anyway, how about we all mock her instead with a parody?

Coming soon to a PBS station near you…

Sesame Street.  Fun.  Playful.  Peaceful.  Populated by fuzzy muppets and a big yellow bird.  Little did one red muppet know it was all about to end…

“All right, let’s cut the funding.  Pull it all down!  And throw that stupid red one in the garbage can with Oscar!”

They thought no one could stand up to them.  But they didn’t know Elmo.

“NO!  Elmo is angry.  Ha ha!” <WHAM><SMACK><BOOM>  “Elmo knows karate.  Elmo wants funding!”

<Pan to Congress>”Please, Mr. Speaker, don’t send us back!  Only two of us made it last time!  Elmo made the rest…sing the alphabet song!”

<Phone rings>”Hello?”

“Hello, Mr. Speaker.  This is Elmo.  Give Elmo funding, or Elmo comes to Mr. Speaker’s office with Cookie Monster and watches Cookie Monster eat Mr. Speaker’s budget.  Ha ha!”<click><dial tone>

Elmo is unstoppable.  Elmo can’t be borne.  And Elmo doesn’t know Elmo’s pronouns.  No one can beat him or…The Elmo Ultimatum.

They shouldn’t have tried to cut his funding.

We should try Elmo as Hamlet next.  There’s something rotten in the state of Denmark, and Elmo isn’t going to take it anymore.