Category Archives: Satire, Humor, and Dementia

Satire, humor, assorted political dementia, and anything else that only exists because I can’t answer the question “Why not?” when I thought it up.

What Schumer Needs Is a Full Metal Boot Camp

Posted on by
Reply

As Chuck Schumer found out today, discussing messaging tactics on an open phone line doesn’t do wonders for your credibility.  You’re not supposed to mention that “extremist” is the caucus word of the week in public.  It might give the impression that you’re not sincere when you’re voicing objections to Republican initiatives.

Still, can’t very well let the minions go into public without giving them the drill.  Everyone needs to be on the same page so they can intone the “extremist” accusations in unison and sound sincere.  So what Schumer needs is his very own full metal boot camp sans operating speakerphones or mics.  Something along the lines of this one (definitely not safe for work link) where he can harden Democrats who might consider rational thought and genuine problem-solving into soundbite-spewing automatons…

“Private Winkleheimer!  I am Seargeant Schumer, and I own you for the next 20 minutes!”

“Sir, yes sir!”

“When I say something to you, the correct answer is “Sir, you’re an extremist sexist bigot homophobic Republican conservative Tea Party teabagger sir!  Do you understand me Private Winkleheimer?!”

“Sir, yes sir!”

“WHAT WAS THAT?!”

“Sir, you’re an extremist sexist bigot homophobic Republican conservative Tea Party teabagger, sir!”

“I want to cut the budget!”

“Sir, you’re an extremist sexist begotten homonym Republican conservatory, uh, tea bagging Tea Party, sir!”

“WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, WINKLEHEIMER?!  CAN YOU NOT HANDLE 29 MEASLY SYLLABLES?!”

“Sir, yes sir!”

“You can’t even remember the right answer, Winkleheimer!  Do you think you’re even Democrat enough to call me an extremist?!  DO YOU?”

“Sir, yes sir!”

“Then say it, you Bush-loving pansy!”

“Sir, you’re an extremist sir!”

It would do wonders for the messaging and have all of Schumer’s people whipped into shape in no time.

It Must Be Stupid Remarks Day: Ludicrous News 3/22/2011

Posted on by
Reply

Welcome to another happy edition of Ludicrous News.  It’s news that would be so much funnier if the people making it weren’t in power.

1.)  Capitalism ended life on Mars:  This little gem is brought to you by Hugo Chavez, a man who could manage energy shortages in an oil exporting country.  The entire quote is at Michelle Malkin’s blog through the link, and Al Gore must have sent him something from his personal stash for him to make a remark like this. 

Being green has never been more Martian.

2.)  Republican budget cuts are going to increase the price of gas:  This latest attack line is brought to you by the Senate Democrats, including Cowboy Poet himself, Harry Reid.  By their reasoning, Republican plans to cut funding for Commodity Futures Trading Commission are going to make those prices spike.  Unlike now, where regular unleaded is now running $3.45 or so where I live as of this post.

Of course, gas price spikes wouldn’t have anything to do with Middle East unrest, the unofficial drilling permit moritorium in the Gulf, the law of supply and demand, or that the fact the environmental nutballs keep blocking all attempts to make our own energy.  No, that one little commission is going to kill us all at the pump all by its lonesome.  Figuratively speaking.

3.)  Sarah Palin is an evil plot to keep NOW from defending women’s rights:  Last but not least is a fun conspiracy theory from NOW.  Apparently, our attempts to get them to defend Sarah Palin from sexist slurs are to attempts to use the hypocricy accusation to tie them in knots so they can’t promote womens’ issues and defend womens’ rights.

It’s the basic liberal counterattack theory.  When pressed on a weakness/gaffe/scandal, go on the offense.  This response is a variation on that theme, but it’s still stupid.

And so ends another edition of Ludicrous News.  Join me here next time when I hope the next edition isn’t about someone who can cause real trouble.

The Elmo Ultimatum

Posted on by
Reply

Today’s latest jewel of political dementia comes from Barbara Boxer.  In her opinion, the Republicans want to stop funding PBS because they have a “vendetta against Elmo” or something.  At least we can’t fault her originality.

It’s not that PBS is an anachronism in a day where hundreds of television channels exist on cable.  It’s not that Sesame Street couldn’t be profitable if run by, say, a competent group like Nickelodeon or Disney.  It’s not that we’re pulling $1.5 Trillion deficits and can’t afford frills anymore.  No, it’s just that Republicans want to put out a hit on a fuzzy red muppet because they can.

Since she’s not going to listen to reason anyway, how about we all mock her instead with a parody?

Coming soon to a PBS station near you…

Sesame Street.  Fun.  Playful.  Peaceful.  Populated by fuzzy muppets and a big yellow bird.  Little did one red muppet know it was all about to end…

“All right, let’s cut the funding.  Pull it all down!  And throw that stupid red one in the garbage can with Oscar!”

They thought no one could stand up to them.  But they didn’t know Elmo.

“NO!  Elmo is angry.  Ha ha!” <WHAM><SMACK><BOOM>  “Elmo knows karate.  Elmo wants funding!”

<Pan to Congress>”Please, Mr. Speaker, don’t send us back!  Only two of us made it last time!  Elmo made the rest…sing the alphabet song!”

<Phone rings>”Hello?”

“Hello, Mr. Speaker.  This is Elmo.  Give Elmo funding, or Elmo comes to Mr. Speaker’s office with Cookie Monster and watches Cookie Monster eat Mr. Speaker’s budget.  Ha ha!”<click><dial tone>

Elmo is unstoppable.  Elmo can’t be borne.  And Elmo doesn’t know Elmo’s pronouns.  No one can beat him or…The Elmo Ultimatum.

They shouldn’t have tried to cut his funding.

We should try Elmo as Hamlet next.  There’s something rotten in the state of Denmark, and Elmo isn’t going to take it anymore.

The Obama Spice Healthcare Commercial

Posted on by
Reply

Oh sweet political dementia, how I have missed you.

Today’s moment of off-the-wall is brought to you by the Obamacare comic book.  Yes, really.  Some guy is going to create a graphic novel trying to sell Obamacare.  In theory, the hipness of it all is supposed to overcome the disgust of realities like the individual mandate, loss of quality, greater expense, and certain failure of a system that’s been tried before to the detriment of countries around the world.  Still, it has pictures.

Enough of that.  If he really wants hipness to sell the unsellable in Obamacare, he just needs to go all in and copy the success of one of the most successful viral marketing campaigns in modern history.  He needs…The Obama Spice Healthcare Commercial.  Featuring Obama.

It would go something like this:

Look at your health care.  Now look at me.  Now look at your health care.  Now look at me.  I’m manly.  I have greek columns.  I can read a teleprompter and even type in a manly baritone.  Would I lie to you?

You should like Obamacare.  It will give everyone health care.  Because it’s manly, like me.  All I had to do was sign it after it was rammed through Congress by someone else to make it manly.  Romneycare, which is like it, isn’t manly because it was signed by an action figure with great hair in Massachusetts.  That’s why it’s failing, but my health care plan is cool.

So be manly.  Don’t listen to the Republicans, because they don’t have cool baritone voices.  Or greek columns and a teleprompter.  Support my healthcare bill, and your health care could be riding a horse just like me.

Seriously, I’m on a horse.  Manly.

<jingle whistle>

It couldn’t be worse than the comic book.