Category Archives: Satire, Humor, and Dementia

Satire, humor, assorted political dementia, and anything else that only exists because I can’t answer the question “Why not?” when I thought it up.

ATMs Are Chump Change in Causing Unemployment

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Move over, ATMs!  When Obama said you were causing unemployment, he must have been trying to avoid panic.  He’s trying to divert attention from a horror of unspeakable mechanical malice that’s been causing unemployment for centuries.  This machine is everywhere and it’s never, ever going to go away.  How many untold millions have lost their jobs because of…the wheel.

It was likely an innocent invention, I know.  But look at it from a more insidious perspective.  The caveman that invented the wheel robbed untold millions of employment opportunities, and all you have to do to see it is imagine a world of work created when you remove the blight of wheeled motion.

Take the 18-wheeler.  It employs one driver to move stuff from place to place.  Now imagine how many more people could be employed if you had to drag that same payload on skids 12 hours a day at freeway speeds.  It could take…well, the number of people is just unimaginable, and way more than one.

The ancient Egyptians had this down to a science.  They had thousands of people dragging big blocks of stone up inclined ramps to build the Pyramids.  They never lost jobs to those horrible wheels.  We should be emulating them, and while were at it, those inclined planes aren’t making many jobs either.

Don’t even get me started on levers.

So move over, you weenie ATMs.  You have nothing on the long  job-destroying history of the wheel.  God save the American economy from simple machines!

News link to the report at Hot Air.

Breaking News: Document Dump Contains Paper

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Sarah Palin’s emails during her time as governor were released, and the media is acting like it’s a veritable Christmas-sized destroy Palin present.  Heck, Hot Air has an MSM news video of a palette of emails being loaded into a truck.  They thought it was newsworthy enough to film a palette of paper.

As for the redactions, they likely have an actual purpose.  They might have been removing Personally Identifiable Information.  You can’t give that to just anyone, so it gets redacted.  And emails tend to contain things like the senders’ and recipients’ email addresses, which are Personally Indentifiable Information.

So it’s time to treat this breaking story as what it is:  laughingstock.

Breaking News:  Document Dump Contains Paper

Juneau, Alaska – This just in:  A palette of Sarah Palin’s emails sent and received during the time she was governer has just been rolled out on a palette stacked with paper.

We believe each of these individual sheets is approximately 8 1/2 by 11 inches and bleached white.  It’s possible that some of them might also be 8 1/2 by 14 inches rectangular.  When asked about it, the government worker that was pushing the palette confirmed that yes, it was indeed stacked with paper and furthermore, that paper might have letterhead on it.

We have yet to confirm how the emails have made their way onto paper, but there’s far too much of the stuff for government work.  We don’t know how much greenhouse gas Sarah Palin created when she wrote the email or how many of them she had business writing.  We can’t confirm if there’s an investigation ongoing to determine if she wrote too much email, not enough, and whether or not the document dump she didn’t request used more government resources than allotted.

If nothing else, the letterhead printed on the paper containing her emails which were released, though not necessarily by Palin’s request, cost the state of Alaska an indeterminate amount of money.  When asked how much the custom government letterhead in this email dump cost the taxpayers of Alaska, the government worker pushing the cart declined to respond after looking at us like we were mad.

In other news, the national deficit…wait, we’ve just been informed that yes, Palin’s actual emails have been printed on paper.  Here’s the footage once again of the palette of emails being loaded into a truck.  We have confirmed that, and we’ll report reading some of that paper as it happens.

Unless the paper has been redacted for unknown reasons they won’t tell us and may or may not have anything to do with Sarah Palin.

This stuff’s just getting tough to parody

It Has Everything But Suspension: Ludicrous News 5/23/2011

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Hello folks.  It’s time for another edition of Ludicrous News.  Today’s episode is even funnier because the people making it weren’t doing any real damage.

1.)  The Presidential Limo got stuck in Ireland.  It couldn’t make it over the curb and promptly stuck in place.  The crowd had some fun at the President’s expense, and Obama had the Suck of the Irish.

Please feel free to laugh right along with them.

The Presidential Limo.  It has armor.  It has bulletproof glass.  It has run-flat tires.  In fact, it likely has everything but a proper suspension.  Get some pneumatic shocks already.

2.)  Joe Biden announced at a fundraiser that he hasn’t ruled out the possiblity of running in 2016.  It surprised a few people, probably because the announcement didn’t end with a rimshot.  I’d like to encourage him, however.

He should run.  In fact, he should run in 2012.  He should run against Obama in the primary, and if he loses, go indie in the general.  Not only could America use the endless gaffe humor Biden would provide, but it would annoy The Messiah to no end.  The only down side is that Obama might then replace him with a real VP.

3.)  Newt has decided he’s going to try and get past that whole “attacking Ryan’s plan” thing by announcing that he’s not a creature of Washington.  He’s just been there a lot, is all.  That whole Speaker thing didn’t change him in the slightest.  He’s just one of the little people trying to oppose the establishment to get real change done.

No, this doesn’t have a rimshot either.

That’s all for Ludicrous News today.  Join me to laugh at more people in politics next time, because in Washinton DC, the stupid never stops.

The Democrat Double Team of Doom

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Isn’t it helpful of the Democrats to tell us who scares them most.  This Huntsman guy must be a real terror.  And to think we wouldn’t have known without them.

Well, it’s only fitting we return the favor.

So I’m going to confess it now.  There’s a Democrat double-team I’ve been fearing for a long time.  It causes me to break out in sweats in the middle of the night.  Terror overwhelms me as I think that in 2012, they might have the brains to primary the Obama albatross around their necks and nominate the most unstoppable duo of Democrat doom this world has ever seen.

Bert and Ernie.

Bert at the head of the ticket would have the momentum of a freight train. He’s forceful and motivated, and with that unibrow to distract from his untenable socialist positions, we would become a socialist hell on Earth before we even knew it. The mere threat of his teleprompter-free laugh would leave the normally skittish Republicans publicly craven in his presence.

But it gets worse.  Paired with Vice President Ernie, the seemingly affable orange velvet glove, and Bert would be overwhelming.  While Ernie smooths over the hard legislative pushes, Bert’s iron fist would do the work of getting the agenda through Congress.  Together, they would be a socialist steamroller.

And the worst part?  Both of them are members of the smallest minority running for office in this country today:  puppets.  Likely, they’d be the only two.  The historical factor of puppets running for office would garner the youth vote in droves.  Furthermore, if you don’t like Bert and Ernie’s policies?  You’re racist against orange and yellow felt people.  It would be a race and history card duo Obama could never hope to match.

Be assured, my penetrating analysis here is just as likely as Obama quaking in his boots with anything other than laughter at a Huntsman candidacy.   Especially if Huntsman is hiring former McCain staffers.  Consider it a favor returned, Democrats.  Run Obama, Hillary, or even Joe Biden, but I beg you.  Don’t nominate Bert and Ernie.  My poor heart couldn’t take it.