Breaking News: FTC Proposes Redefining the Hollywood Left

This just in:

A PDF memo by the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) has been released to the Internet detailing the proposed plan to “redefine” the Hollywood Left.

“Today, Spike Lee has demonstrated, once again, the incalculable worth of the Hollywood Left, and he is not alone.  His unparalleled advice regarding Obama’s next move with the ongoing Gulf of Mexico oil spill is the latest in recurring instances of noteworthy input.  This follows such wisdom as Michael Moore’s efforts to improve upon American health care, Rosie O’Donnell’s emphatic overtures during her stellar span on The View, and Sean Penn’s brief admonition on the dangers of rectal cancer.”

“Such repeated examples of timely insight into America’s most dire troubles have given us cause to conclude that the Hollywood Left is far too much of a national treasure to be left to its own devices.  We have therefore taken steps to research the feasibility of declaring all members of the Hollywood Left to be ‘necessary to the public good’ and regulating them as a utility.”

“While some may see this as the nationalization of the Hollywood Left, it is our opinion that their repeated demonstrations of intellect and taste would cause most reasonable people to believe government regulation is in order.  In fact, we already believe we have the regulatory authority to intercede in the matter without further Congressional action.  This new oversight falls directly under the Commerce Clause and some law passed eighteen years ago detailing government responsibilities when dealing with ‘special’ people.”

“We would like to assure the Hollywood Left that the quality of their lives will improve dramatically.  Our scant 2,000 page legalese-rendered regulatory document detailing every aspect of their new lives is expected to increase their lifespans, help them avoid tough decisions, and ease their transition into their new roles as communal assets.  Acclimation will be further facilitated by a $100,000 per violation fine, and as they already know, ignorance of the law is no excuse.”

“To provide an avenue of appeal for any member of the Hollywood Left that feels an enforcement was made in error, we will empower an Inspector General.  He and both members of his highly trained government bureaucrat staff will vigilantly watch the new 12,000 member bureaucracy that we expect to create to deal with this regulatory increase. Obama has demonstrated his high regard for Inspector Generals in the past, and should continue that pattern well into both of his terms, PBUH.  Therefore, we can say with a reasonable degree of certainty that no regulator would so much as suggest enforcement or lack thereof is dependent on things like souvenirs, private lingerie parties, or appearances as a star number caller at their local Bingo nights. ”

“Our extensive research into determining the feasibility of this new idea should not take longer than two business days.  This time may be extended, determined by the number of Hollywood Left that care to give their input about this new redefinition of their status.  We would certainly like to hear from them and any arguments they may care to make about why this should not come to pass.  Arguments will be weighed on what we solely judge to be their merits, whatever form said merits take that please us.”

“Thank you, and have a pleasant day.”

No, this didn’t actually happen.  Yes, I still have to mention that this is humor, because some people take my satire as news reporting.  Then again, how far from the truth will this be if things continue the way they are?

Filed under: Satire, Humor, and Dementia on June 3rd, 2010 No Comments