Galaxy-Ending Supernova Imminent
I love panic-mongering. It gives me an excuse to make a mockery of it.
The Democrats are trying to gin up their base for cap-and-trade. Now, they’re saying “the fate of the planet hangs in the balance“. Being grossly overcaffeinated, my first thought was “How wimpy is that?” If you want to be that over the top, go so far over the top you can’t see the top.
It’s just as believable as “we’re all going to die if you don’t pass such-and-so” to do that, but more fun. So I give you my version of a panic-driven fundraising letter…
Galaxy-Ending Supernova Imminent
They didn’t listen to us when we warned them about the threat of spontaneous human combustion. They didn’t listen when we said they were destroying the environment. Now, we need you more than ever, because an historic disaster beyond the comprehension of mortal man threatens now because they didn’t support the cap-and-trade bill.
A galaxy-ending supernova is imminent due to global warming. The planet is so hot, it’s going to cause the Sun to explode. In fact, if we have one more hot summer day, all life in the Milky Way will end.
This is because a supernova in our solar system will set off a chain reaction in every star in the galaxy. Everything here will die in a fiery concussive apocalypse of stellar fission explosions on an astronomical scale. Astronomers on alien worlds in other galaxies will witness the cataclysm, and remark to their historians: “The stupid Earth people should have passed cap-and-trade”.
So call your Senator now, and tell them that you don’t want to die in a galaxy-ending supernova that will occur if summer ever gets hot again. Tell them you want clean energy created by the efforts of 100% environmentally safe, green gerbils. Scientists will be backing our assertions just as soon as our highly trained SEIU lab assistants equipped with Louisville Research Facilitation Batons give them a hand.
Act now. All life in the galaxy is depending on you.
Sincerely,
Ryan Ambrose, Amateur Fundraising Assistant
This is how you cause a righteous panic. If you can get past the laughter first.
Filed under: Satire, Humor, and Dementia on August 31st, 2009 1 Comment
I hit a bookmark.
-- Steven Wright
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