Monthly Archives: August 2009

Galaxy-Ending Supernova Imminent

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tanningI love panic-mongering.  It gives me an excuse to make a mockery of it.

The Democrats are trying to gin up their base for cap-and-trade.  Now, they’re saying “the fate of the planet hangs in the balance“.  Being grossly overcaffeinated, my first thought was “How wimpy is that?”  If you want to be that over the top, go so far over the top you can’t see the top.

It’s just as believable as “we’re all going to die if you don’t pass such-and-so” to do that, but more fun.  So I give you my version of a panic-driven fundraising letter…

Galaxy-Ending Supernova Imminent

They didn’t listen to us when we warned them about the threat of spontaneous human combustion.  They didn’t listen when we said they were destroying the environment.  Now, we need you more than ever, because an historic disaster beyond the comprehension of mortal man threatens now because they didn’t support the cap-and-trade bill.

A galaxy-ending supernova is imminent due to global warming.  The planet is so hot, it’s going to cause the Sun to explode.  In fact, if we have one more hot summer day, all life in the Milky Way will end.

This is because a supernova in our solar system will set off a chain reaction in every star in the galaxy.  Everything here will die in a fiery concussive apocalypse of stellar fission explosions on an astronomical scale.  Astronomers on alien worlds in other galaxies will witness the cataclysm, and remark to their historians:  “The stupid Earth people should have passed cap-and-trade”.

So call your Senator now, and tell them that you don’t want to die in a galaxy-ending supernova that will occur if summer ever gets hot again.  Tell them you want clean energy created by the efforts of 100% environmentally safe, green gerbils.  Scientists will be backing our assertions just as soon as our highly trained SEIU lab assistants equipped with Louisville Research Facilitation Batons give them a hand.

Act now.  All life in the galaxy is depending on you.

Sincerely,

Ryan Ambrose, Amateur Fundraising Assistant

This is how you cause a righteous panic.  If you can get past the laughter first.

Welcoming David Brooks to the Maverick Paradigm

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beerbarrelHappy news, fellow maverick supporters!  We get to add one more person to the maverick paradigm today.  Unlike His Maverickness, John McCain (Master Maverick is so five minutes ago), this latest addition to the Way of the Maverick is not a politician.  Nope, he’s “conservative” commentator David Brooks.

Yes, he’s gone overboard for Obama.  Apparently, he’s decided to add a little “conservative” credibility to The One in his bid to sell out for MSM kudos.  The good news is, as maverick supporters, we’re all completely free not to give a damn, or believe it really is bipartisan of him.

You know how it works!  Find out what a fan of David Brooks would do, then do the opposite.  It’s just that simple to give the latest member of the maverick paradigm all the maverick support he deserves and then some.

As always, keep it legal.

The Rob Wittman Town Hall

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reporter2I’ve discovered one important thing in my short attendance time at Rob Wittman’s (R – VA) town hall:  I’m a better humorist than a reporter.

By the time I arrived, it was standing room only in the lobby.  The town hall was full, and I listened to Wittman answer questions over the loudspeakers they set up just for the occasion.  No SEIU thugs, but there were a few people holding up home-made signs supporting Disastercare.  May God help them if they get it, because it’s very likely no one else will be in the mood to do so.

Can We Borrow Your Parliament?

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moneythumbI hear of it in myths and whispers, and wonder if it’s only a legend.

Apparently, there is a breed of politician in other places around the world long extinct in my beloved USA.  Politicians who make sensible decisions based on not having any money.  In short, politicians who possess…The Fiscal Responsibility.

I once believed we still had politicians with that rarest of traits, The Fiscal Responsibility.  I believed it in 2000, when I thought I was going to get a government that finally made decisions based upon it.  I quickly discovered that my belief in this matter was nothing more than a cruel joke.

But I hear such people may exist in myths and whispers.  So I put this question forth to those of you in other countries who may have such politicians:

CAN WE BORROW YOUR PARLIAMENT?

If you do have politicians with that rarest of traits, The Fiscal Responsibility, I would like to cross-breed them with our local variety in the hopes of restoring such a trait back to our own leaders.  Truly, we are in need of The Fiscal Responsibility now.  So if such people do exist where you live, we would really like to know of it.

I’m calling in some favors now.   We’ve helped many of you out in the past.  So if you are aware of any possible occurance of The Fiscal Responsibility in your leaders, please comment.