Monthly Archives: April 2009

Don’t Be Ridiculous, DHS. That’s My Job

Posted on by
Reply

Liberal conspiracy theories disguised as a legitimate report detailing “right-wing extremism”?  According to the DHS, we’re no longer the vast right-wing conspiracy, but potentially the vast right-wing terror machine.  This, of course, cannot go unanswered, especially since this coincidentally timed piece of propoganda is disguised as an official report.  That is a huge excuse.

And so, the latest looney-toon counter-conspiracy rant, courtesy of Ned the Intern.

Damnit, why do I have to write this thing?

It was all going so well.  I had almost convinced my soon-to-be blogging slave, Ryan Ambrose, that I wasn’t real, but just some cheap attempt at creating a viral marketing agent.  Once I had YankMcCain.com, I was going to rule the world.  I was going to clone Elvis in the digital world and have everyone swinging their hips to my beat.  I was even going to get a cut of the avacado sales to the planet Zvoobnax.

But, noooooooo.  Now Ryan Ambrose is all wrapped up in this stupid DHS report.  How was I supposed to blackmail the Trilateral Commission for a shiny new black helicopter when he’s too distracted by this to pay any attention to me?  WHERE THE HELL IS AN ALIEN ABDUCTION WHEN YOU NEED ONE?!

I was even going to dominate Mars in my lifetime.  But that won’t happen now, DHS, because you’re even more looney than I am!  IT’S SO UNFAIR!  WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME?!

Ned the Intern, of course, isn’t real.  He’s just a running gag.

There is still hope.  I have deceived him utterly.  I may yet prevail!  A-HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Fortunately, he’s also more sane than the DHS report detailing potential right-wing terrorism.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my spaceship.  My avacados are waiting.

Navy Seals Save the Day

Posted on by
Reply

Was there ever any doubt that the U.S. Navy vs. the pirates situation would have ended in any way but with a Navy win?

Seal snipers killed three pirates and rescued the kidnapped Captain Phillips on Easter.  According to reports, they saw one of the pirates put an AK-47 up against Phillips’ back and acted to save his life.  A fourth pirate was taken into custody, probably after  he wet himself.

As for the possiblity of retaliations mentioned by Admiral Gortney:  What of them?  Want to see things get worse than retaliations?  Don’t take action when someone attacks one of your own instead of acting to save their lives.  If you’d like a really good example of what happens when you project weakness, read about the Barbary Pirates.  We sing about them to this day when we refer to “the shores of Tripoli”.

The rest is here: 
Navy Seals Kill Pirates, Rescue American Hostage (Fox News)

McCain Talks Nukes and Global Warming

Posted on by
1

I was beginning to worry.

I hadn’t heard from the Master Maverick in a while, so I was starting to wonder if some prankster set up a fake camera crew somewhere.  I really don’t like thinking of John McCain posing in front of a bunch of camera-wielding mannequins bragging about his latest foray into eye-gouging ordinary conservatives when he could be getting real camera time.

Fortunately, he’s returned, and is talking about global warming in front of the real media.  Take that, you evil mannequin-posing prankster you!

Oh, he started by talking about how we should disarm the nukes in North Korea and Iran.  Fortunately, he took the opportunity to “agree” with Obama on this point, and it’s so good to see him getting along with his fellow Democrat again.  He also agreed on another one:  global warming, now referred to as ‘climate change’ due to the Earth’s grossly inconvenient habit of getting cold in the winter.

You can read the story for yourself, because telling you what he thinks is way too much trouble for his Bestest #1 Maverick Supporter in the Whole Wide World.  Frankly, I don’t care what he pretends to think.  Unless, of course, he starts talking about nuking climate change, at which point I’ll be all ears.

Raffling Bill Clinton

Posted on by
Reply

This is just too good to be true.

Hillary Clinton is holding a raffle to pay off her still substantial presidential campaign debt.  One of the prizes is a day in New York…with Bill Clinton.  Oh dear God, yes.  I couldn’t think of better comedy than this.

Do I dare even touch this one with a ten-foot pole?  You better believe it.

If you win, you could…

  1. Go shopping for interns.
  2. Listen to Bill Clinton revise history on his Presidency.
  3. Ask about Sandy Berger.  You won’t get a real answer, but you can place bets on what kind of look Clinton will give you when you do.  Extra points if you can get him to say the word ‘sloppy’ in his explanation more than ten times.
  4. Promise not to tell Hillary what happened during the day while she’s listening, even if nothing actually happened.
  5. Or, simply do what I’m going to do:  not sign up for the raffle.  What, donate money to Hillary Clinton?  She deserves nearly as many maverick donations as the Master Maverick himself.

I can’t wait to see how much fun everyone has with this one.  Perhaps she should have just held a bake sale.

Read the original post: 
Hillary Clinton Tries to Pay Down Debt by Raffling Off Day With Her Husband (Fox News)