Don’t Be Ridiculous, DHS. That’s My Job

Liberal conspiracy theories disguised as a legitimate report detailing “right-wing extremism”?  According to the DHS, we’re no longer the vast right-wing conspiracy, but potentially the vast right-wing terror machine.  This, of course, cannot go unanswered, especially since this coincidentally timed piece of propoganda is disguised as an official report.  That is a huge excuse.

And so, the latest looney-toon counter-conspiracy rant, courtesy of Ned the Intern.

Damnit, why do I have to write this thing?

It was all going so well.  I had almost convinced my soon-to-be blogging slave, Ryan Ambrose, that I wasn’t real, but just some cheap attempt at creating a viral marketing agent.  Once I had YankMcCain.com, I was going to rule the world.  I was going to clone Elvis in the digital world and have everyone swinging their hips to my beat.  I was even going to get a cut of the avacado sales to the planet Zvoobnax.

But, noooooooo.  Now Ryan Ambrose is all wrapped up in this stupid DHS report.  How was I supposed to blackmail the Trilateral Commission for a shiny new black helicopter when he’s too distracted by this to pay any attention to me?  WHERE THE HELL IS AN ALIEN ABDUCTION WHEN YOU NEED ONE?!

I was even going to dominate Mars in my lifetime.  But that won’t happen now, DHS, because you’re even more looney than I am!  IT’S SO UNFAIR!  WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME?!

Ned the Intern, of course, isn’t real.  He’s just a running gag.

There is still hope.  I have deceived him utterly.  I may yet prevail!  A-HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Fortunately, he’s also more sane than the DHS report detailing potential right-wing terrorism.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my spaceship.  My avacados are waiting.

Filed under: Satire, Humor, and Dementia on April 14th, 2009 No Comments