Conspiracy Theories

I love liberal conspiracy theories.  They give me an excuse.

Apparently, they think all these tea party protests are either inept politics or a well-funded insidious plot by CNBC.  How lame.  Everyone knows real conspiracy theories involve black helicoptors, alien conspiracies and Elvis.

We love Elvis, and no, he isn’t dead.

After monitoring your primitive Earth broadcasts, we discovered that Elvis was the best entertainer anyone in the galaxy has ever produced.  So, we abducted him in the 70’s and replaced him with an overweight Elvisbot dressed in shiny sequins.  Not only were we humored to find that none of you noticed our deception, but that the Elvisbot spawned a multitude of entertaining and colorful impersonators that we enjoy watching to this day.

Elvis is doing far better in our corner of the galaxy than he ever did in your little backwater.  After giving him access to a real recording studio, he became a galactic superstar.  He made so much money he bought his own planet (which he calls Memphis) where he makes records to this day, and immortality so he can look like he did in the 50’s.

He also inspired our insidious scheme to distract all you Earth fools with an army of Elvis impersonators (I like the fat sequined ones best).  We’ll flood your planet with legions of Elvisbots, and while you’re distracted by the southern drawl and swaying hips, we’ll hire the Trilateral Commission to steal all your avacados and ship them to our secret Roswell facility in black helicoptors.  Once we’ve collected enough avacados to power our flying saucers for 100 years, we’ll conquer the galaxy, because ‘that’s how we roll’ on the planet Zvoobnax.

Don’t worry, we’ll leave your planet alone in the hopes that in a few hundred more years, you may produce another Elvis.  And keep wearing tinfoil hats, because it makes you easier to find and abduct.

That’s how you write a real conspiracy theory.  If you liberal dolts can’t be sane, at least be entertaining.

Link courtesy of Michelle Malkin.

Filed under: Satire, Humor, and Dementia on March 2nd, 2009