The Maverick Consolation Letter

No jokes now, folks.  It’s zero flak time.

I mentioned a couple of days ago that I might have to write the Maverick Consolation Letter.  Well, it turns out I will.  McCain just lost the election to Obama, and after eight years of him spitting on me, it’s time I sent him his political farewell.

Dear Senator McCain,

After ten years of posturing, opportunistic politics, and betraying your base for media kudos, your well-deserved fate has finally come to pass.  You BUNGLED your only chance at becoming president.  You were a weak candidate with an inept campaign, but I expected no more from you.

Unfortunately, this means I get to look forward to four years of a second Carter term, and that’s if I’m very, very fortunate.  Your loss has poked the finger you so gleefully jabbed into conservative eyes into the eye of your country.  I’ve heard so many condescending, vicious, and hostile attacks from my own ideological colleages about how I should be patriotic and back you, but not once did they consider that perhaps you shouldn’t have been so selfish as to run.  You never had a chance, but your arrogant, entitled, short-tempered egotism could never have seen that.

They’ll blame Palin for your failures, but you and I know better.  You wouldn’t have even made it this far without her.  You were more political dead weight than a strong Vice Presidential candidate and the titans in the conservative mediasphere could pull across the finish line, and you have only yourself to blame.

On the bright side, at least your credibility is shot.  The maverick media whore theory of getting elected President has just been blown out of the water, and you’re probably not going to have a lot of friends in the Senate now.  Graham was already showing signs of throwing you under the bus with The Gang of 10, so who knows if he’ll continue to be your lapdog.

Do I want for class or decorum in writing this?  You had better believe it.  But in that way, Senator, you really are as special as your ego leads you to believe.  I would never in a million years consider writing something like this to anyone else, but you have the singular capacity to bring out the worst in conservatives like me.

So from the bottom of my heart, thank you so very much for putting my yank site out of business.  I suspect you’ll do something comment-worthy in the future as you try to earn a few table scraps of puff press, but while I’ll mock you just as harshly then, far fewer people will take notice of it.

Good riddance to your presidential aspirations, McCain.  I won’t miss you.

Sincerely,

Ryan Ambrose

Filed under: Zero Flak on November 5th, 2008